Time tells no lies.
Time tells no lies.
My all time favorite soccer players, coincidentally both French.
I live in America and what people tend to say is the American dream is “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness”. But as an IB student, I don’t think this applies to us. I would make a few changes for us IB students and let it read “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of the IB Diploma”. Can we really pursue both the IB Diploma and happiness at the same time? I just don’t think it works out well for us.
Yes, it is that time again. No I am not referring to the clock, or the date. Rather I am talking about the season changes. And right now, the seasons are changing. Stepping outside to feel the cool air brush gently upon your skin compared to the past 3 months of hot, muggy and humid weather. You guessed it, summer has gone and autumn has arrived.
In general, I love cold weather. I think it feels pretty nice. Sure there are times when it can get too cold to handle but the way I see it is, you can always put on more layers to stay warm, but you can’t take off all your layers to keep cool. I can’t tell you why I love the cool and cold weather so much, it just feels really nice to the touch. With autumn and the nice transition from hot and humid to the nice cool weather, I guess you could say there is some relief that we don’t have to stay under the blazing sun glaring down on us and making us sweat like pigs. The cool weather of autumn feels comforting like a warm blanket does on a cold winter night. The best times in autumn though are the ones where its cool with a breeze. A gentle breeze that rustles the leaves, sways the branches, and feels oh so delightful on the skin.
With autumn starting to arrive and summer starting to leave, that only means one thing, winter is about to come. Oh how I love a nice winter day. I can’t really describe it but the cold winter really puts me at ease rather than being hot and bothered like in the summer. Sure, I do think that the perfect day would be in autumn, sun shining, around 60-70 degrees Fahrenheit, with a gentle breeze and a few clouds, but nothing can compare to the sensation of leaving the house to a cold day that still feels nice to the touch (if you don’t stay out there too long that is) and coming back with chills to a warm and cozy home.
Hopefully though, this year’s winter will be a lot better than last year’s bipolar winter where the cold days would come and go and there were times when the days were actually scorching hot. Quite an unpleasant year in my perspective. Not much cool or cold days for me to enjoy.
Lately I have been feeling frustrated, angry, and annoyed for no apparent reason. I don’t know why I am feeling like this and its bothersome. At random times I will feel the hormones rush through my body. I start to get antsy, restless, and annoyed. What is causing all of this anxiety? Is there really a reason why I feel this way? Is this all caused from me being depressed before? Am I still lingering onto the feelings and thoughts I had at that time?
I honestly can’t answer any of these questions. Yea the things that happened to me sucked and I hated that they happened, but honestly I feel like my life is better than many others. So why am I feeling like my life isn’t good enough? I can accept that my life is going pretty well right now yet I can’t seem to be happy. Does this mean that I really can’t accept that my life is going okay? Or is it that I feel like something is missing in my life? I’ve started to reflect on my life recently and I feel like I should be happy. Yet I just can’t seem to achieve that level of happiness that it seems I am striving for. What is missing? What is wrong? Where am I to go now? Which way should I go? Left? Right? Up? Down? Backwards? Forwards? I am currently lost in the sea of life with no clue of where to go.
But even further than this. I feel like I have changed a lot in the past few weeks. It seems that I am starting to lose my connections with certain people, even people I have talked to a lot with and I am starting to form new connections with people that I haven’t had a chance to talk to much with. It is quite sad that I am losing these connections but also not bad that I am starting to open up new connections. I’ve started to think that I am smarter than a lot of my friends and feel that I am trying to distance myself from them in a way.
Maybe with all of these things put together a whole picture can be painted. I just don’t know where I am at this moment, and I can’t see where I am going to end up. I can’t find what I am looking for and its really bothersome. Is there anything that can save me from this conflict? Is there anyone who can be my savior? Will I be able to find myself being lost in the sea of life? Will I be able to find the thing that I am looking for? Or will I be stuck in my search to find my enlightenment?
Never let anyone tell you that you can’t do it, that you’re not good enough, that it can’t be done. Reflect on where you’ve been, where you are, and where you want to be. Search inside yourself for that motivation, that inspiration, that extra push to keep on going. Never give up, never stop trying, always give it your all because in the end if you try your best there will be no regrets. If you hold yourself back, wasting your potential, doing things that you could of and maybe should have done, you will regret it. Perseverance, will power, strength. Never let go, never give in, always head held high, always looking forward, no regrets, no worries.
Recently I have noticed that I really don’t do much at all. Yes, I do a lot of things that school related like clubs and organizations but out of school, honestly I don’t really do anything. I feel like I have wasted so much of my life just sitting in front of a computer screen not doing much. I have come to this realization because I am unable to play soccer for the rest of the year. I have already not been able to play soccer for almost a whole year and I will now be out for another year. It really sucks that I can’t do something that I love so much. Something that I have had a strong passion for. Something that has been the core of who I am. And this is where the realization kicks in. Besides soccer, I really didn’t do anything.
Yes, I do have hobbies and things I am interested in but to be honest I didn’t do any of them consistently and they never really “picked up” in a sense. I love to draw and I love to write, to be creative and make things, but all that I would do was doodle a bit here and there, write a little every once in a while, and do creative things only occasionally. None of my interests (besides soccer) really dug into my life. They are only things I like to do, none of which can really define me at this point but nonetheless I love to do these activities. So why can’t I do these things consistently? Why aren’t the things I love to do at the core of my life like soccer is? I honestly don’t know. Maybe its because I don’t feel like I’m good enough at the things I love to make it a part of who I really am. Maybe its the fact that I am lazy and didn’t want to spend so many hours on one of the many things I like to do because of school work and the immense amount of time I spent playing soccer. I honestly can’t say why I haven’t done the things I love consistently enough and I find it quite pitiful. How can I say I love to do these things when I can’t even get myself to do them consistently? I think I will have to change that after coming to this realization and hopefully it can be soon.
But moving on to the main idea of what I was really going for, school started 4 weeks ago, and for 3 weeks I have been extremely depressed and out of it. Last week I have been feeling a lot better than I have been the previous 3 weeks but occasionally I still get depressed and feel like everything just plainly sucks. With all these emotions dragging me down and the fact that I don’t do anything anymore because I can’t play soccer, I figured I needed to do something with my life. Yesterday for the first time in 6 years I played piano for a total of 1 hour and 30 minutes. I honestly lost track of time and didn’t realize I had been playing for so long but it felt so good to be actually doing something. It felt really nice to find things that can fill the holes in my life. I needed something to fill in the spot of soccer as that was my life for 12 years. It felt nice to be able to just let myself go and enjoy myself without worrying about anything like I did on the soccer field. I want to be able to pick up my other interests also and hopefully all the holes in my life will be filled. Even though I have been on a spiraling fall downward, I can’t stay down forever. I just need to “walk straight through hell with a smile”.
I got my stitches and surgical staples removed from my leg today. My knee seems to be recovering quite well. Unfortunately I will need to use crutches for another week which is quite tiresome to use crutches at school and up and down the stairs. I get tired in between classes and by the time I get to class I am hot, sweaty, and exhausted. But other than that, everything seems to be alright except for maybe a few knots still untangled but hey, after you hit a low point a life, a valley, and yes even the bottom of the roller coaster of life, things will start to get better soon enough. Hopefully that time has come for things to get better.
Today I went to help out with the school soccer conditioning, recording times and what not. Since I am unable to play, this is the best I could do. It was a great conditioning session with a lot of new players doing really well. But watching all these guys play soccer made me sad, depressed, frustrated, angry, and everything in between.
Watching these guys play soccer I just got really emotional and started crying when I got home. I have been playing soccer for 12 years, every single year both club soccer and school soccer. But in a matter of seconds I’m out for the count and I’m unable to play anymore. I am unable to do something that I have loved to do for so many years. I am unable to play soccer in my senior year. This would have been probably the last year for me to play soccer competitively. Now I don’t even know if I will be able to play real soccer ever again. I’m sad that I am not able to play soccer for my last year in high school. Soccer has been my life ever since I was little and I have loved every second of it and now that its gone… I don’t know what else to do, I don’t know where I can turn to. My life just isn’t the same without soccer. I’m not just sad and depressed though, I’m also angry and frustrated. I was out there today watching my friends and the new players playing soccer and I saw some great new players out there. Some a lot better than the current players we have, but to me it doesn’t make a difference. I won’t be able to play with these great players. I won’t be able compete on the field with them and this angers me and makes me depressed all at the same time.
Our school isn’t a soccer orientated school and never has been. We have never really gotten many good soccer players every year. Maybe a few every so often but really not enough to carry a team to win. Our school team has always been losing, we’ve never really had a good season and its frustrating. I put in so much effort into soccer yet we aren’t able to show results. Thats partly because many players are not committed and also party because many of the players are not good. But today, half of the people at conditioning were new players and they strove to succeed. I saw them put in the hard work during conditioning and saw many of them with great skills. Honestly, I wanted to do something amazing and I wanted to carry the team to win districts. I wanted to be able to bring our team to the level good enough to be able to win. Seeing these new players today… I really think we could possibly win districts. And this frustrates me because I am unable to participate in this. What I wanted more than anything was to be able to finally win districts and have a chance to be a great team. The fact that I can’t do that something amazing and not being able to participate in the possibly best year of high school soccer at our school for a while really just puts me under and I don’t know how I can handle this.